Woman in the Mist

When I close my eyes I see her

An ethereal vision of perfection and peace

She dances and twirls in the mist of my consciousness

She radiates confidence and love

Her face, a vision of serenity

She is happy and complete

I open my eyes and only see me

Disappointed, I close them, it's too painful to see

I turn to the woman in the mist and call out to her

"How can I become like you?"

Softly, she laughs and replies

"Open your heart and your mind, sweet child.

You shall see that you Are me!"

Tearfully, I object "no this can't be!"

She steps out of the mist

Opens her arms as if to embrace me

and says, "I am your True self, all you must do is

open your heart and embrace what you can be."

I see the truth in her penetrating eyes

I open my heart and embrace the woman

before me.

We become One

I am Whole

Healed

Welcome Back!

Well, it has been 5 months since my last post. So much has happened since then. My oldest son, Corey, is officially an adult and has graduated high school...all in the same weekend. Also that weekend his brother turned 14. It was a weekend full of extended family, joy, and yes, tears. Heaven blessed us with beautiful weather, probably so my mom, my grandparents, and Chip's father could have a better view from their vantage point. They may have left us in the physical world but their Spirits were fully present - of that I have no doubt.

In July, we launched Deck Headz Skateboards. A dream my family and I have been nurturing for the last 3 years. It is a good family business that we are well suited for because each of us has a talent that is different from each other, and when you put them together we form a solid skateboard business.

I enjoy drawing skateboard designs but my true passion lies in writing, learning, and perhaps teaching. I have not written in quite a while. It has taken a toll on my brain...all these words and thoughts locked up in my mind...begging to be let free...to dance among the consciousness of others.

I entered my first ever writing competition in May.....and lost...but it taught me a few things. I learned some basic writing and editing tools but the biggest lesson I learned was this. I AM brave enough to write my spiritual memoir, I had wondered is I could expose myself like that. For the contest I had taken a small part of the book and made it a short essay.  It was about a particularly bad point of my life, I detailed the aftermath of a sexual assault when I was teenager and about contemplating suicide. I wrote about how Spirit saved me through a particularly empathic math teacher. I touched on part of this story in a blog post once. It was read by only 3 or 4 people who already love me: family and a few friends. In other words, people who I already felt safe sharing with.

The contest was another story, I was fully aware that if - IF - I had won, the story would be published in a national magazine. I used a pen name but it's not a real secret. For my writing I go by Patience Lee. My first and middle name. I do this only because Patience Lee Lewandowski or even just Patience Lewandowski is a whole lot of letters and doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Most people are intimidated by my last name - so much so they totally massacre a name that is said exactly as it is spelled. It is actually kind of funny, I like to listen to them squirm as they mange the pronunciation.

My point is, I entered this contest to test myself - ok, ok...I entered because $3,000 and a trip to meet editors and literary agents would have been AWESOME, but now that I have lost I'd rather look at it as a test. I shared my entry with only a couple people for feedback and proof reading. These people are friends so still it was no risk. However the day I mailed out my entry, I felt like i was going to throw up. It was like mailing away a piece of my soul for harsh examination.

I was feeling a little pouty over the last couple days because if I had won anything I would've found out last week. I had the whole "what were you thinking?" conversation in my mind. BUT I know what I am thinking. I know I have been to hell, but I came BACK. Not only did I come back, but I am better, I am stronger, I am more compassionate, and I have a deeper faith because of what I've been through. I am writing because I want to empower women who feel as powerless as I once did. I was a victim, but I chose to rise about that and free myself from that mentality. I want women to know they can too! I want them to learn that whatever they have been through gives them POWER because they are still here. I want women to know they have a Voice that DESERVES to be Heard! I want them to know they are NOT ALONE! WE are STRONG..WE are INVINCIBLE...yes..you know what is coming next "WE are Women" HA! Helen Reddy's song "I Am Woman" was a number 1 hit they year I was born, but every time I get all fired up like this is sounds loud and clear in my mind. I am tempted to stand on a chair and belt this song out and proclaim my womanhood...but instead I will leave you with the lyrics and it is playing on my playlist.

I Am Woman

By: Helen Reddy

I am woman, hear me roar

In numbers too big to ignore

And I know too much to go back an' pretend

'cause I've heard it all before

And I've been down there on the floor

No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS

Oh yes I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I gained

If I have to, I can do anything

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

You can bend but never break me

'cause it only serves to make me

More determined to achieve my final goal

And I come back even stronger

Not a novice any longer

'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow

See me standing toe to toe

As I spread my lovin' arms across the land

But I'm still an embryo

With a long long way to go

Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I gained

If I have to I can face anything

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

Oh, I am woman

I am invincible

I am strong

FADE

I am woman

I am invincible

I am strong

I am woman

Mother's Day...

I just don't have words to express how I feel right now. I won't even try for fear of diminishing the depth of grief that I feel right now. If I was successful in setting my music, you should be hearing the song "You and Me Against The World" by Helen Reddy right now. It's a song between a mother and daughter. When I was a little girl, my mom and I would sing it to each other in order to lift each others spirits when we were feeling down, or alone. What follows is the lyrics and pictures of my mom and I during the times when she was happiest. These are the memories that get me through, this is how I want to remember her.

Mom and Me

You and me against the world
Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world
When all the others turn their backs and walk away
You can count on me to stay

Mom and me, about to take a spin in Redd Foxx's Car
(SAS = Sanford and Son)

Remember when the circus came to town
And you were frightened by the clown
Wasn't it nice to be around someone that you knew
Someone who was big and strong and looking out for

Mom at work (as stagehand)

You and me against the world

Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world

And for all the times we've cried I always felt that 

God was on our side

Mom as Production Assistant for Jeff Wheat

And when one of us is gone

And one of us is left to carry on

Then remembering will have to do

Our memories alone will get us through

Think about the days of me and you

You can me against the world

Mom visiting CBS on a day off

Life can be a circus

the underpay and overwork us

Though we seldom get our due

and when each day is through

I bring my tired body home

And look around for you

Mom and Me

You and me against the world

sometimes it feels like you and me against the world

And for all the times we've cried

I've always felt that God was on our side

And when one of is gone

and one of us is left to carry one

Then remembering will have to do

Our memories alone will get us through

Thins about the days of me and you

You and me against the world

Deborah Ann Calabretta

December 30, 1951 - June 21, 2009

I love you, Mom.

Happy Mother's Day

Bees, Bobcats, and Crows...Oh My....

Spirit advises me to pay close attention to the messages surrounding me today. I do this everyday, but She seems more insistent that usual. I don't know why (yet), but the messages have been coming fast and furiously. 

I had the most beautiful dream the night of the full moon. I was in an enchanted forest that opened to reveal a waterfall. The dream was like a Disney movie, creatures of all species coming out from their hiding places to interact with me. I saw an baby elephant rolling around in the mist of the waterfall. I got to hug a giant grizzly bear before it plodded it's way back into the forest. Butterflies and bees danced around me...and I wasn't spazzing out, flailing my arms, and running as I usually do when bees are around. Their buzzing melted into the symphony of the forest sounds. I saw all kinds of birds and animals...didn't matter if they were forest animals or jungle animals. Guiding me was a crow, it would fly ahead and land on a tree ahead of me and signal me to follow. Following my every step was a friendly bobcat that would sometimes catch up to me to be stroked and have it's chin scratched. I awoke feeling blissful.


This was pretty amazing considering I was also having a full blown asthma attack...normally "bliss" and "asthma" would never be in the same sentence! Also noteworthy, every single time (that I can remember) when my asthma invades my dreams..the dreams are nightmares...various scenarios where I would be unable to breath: drowning, being smothered, being buried alive, sometimes I simply have an asthma attack...but I am unable to get my inhaler, or anyones attention to help me...etc....Nothing Blissful about ANY of that.


The details of this dream remain vivid, even the coloring of the dream was rich and preternatural. When I close my eyes I can transport myself to that forest and relive those feelings again. I don't remember ever being able to do that with any other dream. 


Something is going on, something is happening and I feel that a shift is coming. To try and understand this I turn to animal medicine again. While I did see an unimaginable variety of critters in my dream, 3 stand out. 3 have followed me into my waking life. 

Bees:
Totem Symbolism: Fertility. Accomplishing the "impossible". Without bees, flowers and many fruits would not bloom. Their honeycomb is a hexagon. The hexagon is a symbol of the heart, and sun, and all the energies associated with it. Bees teach us that no matter how big your dream is, there is a promise it will be fulfilled if we pursue it. they tell us to get organized and get to work on you dream. If we approach our dreams with commitment and diligence we can succeed beyond our wildest imaginings. 


On a personal note, bees carry another meaning. My mother's name, Deborah, means "Bee". Which is ironic because she was also terrified of bees and like me, she would run screaming with her arms flailing, even if you crept up behind her and buzzed in her ear. She had a boyfriend once, when I was little, who found great humor in this.

Bobcats:
Totem Symbolism: Being able to be alone without being lonely. Tails are a symbol of Kundalini energy. The Bobcats tail suggests the ability to turn on and off the creative forces as needed. They can teach you mysticism, and how to project and use life-force most efficiently. They have ties to the psychic realm. They teach you to trust your instincts. Bobcat people risk becoming reclusive because they are so sensitive to other people's "junk" they become overwhelmed. Their appearance suggest you will find new teaching formal and/or informal over the next 7-10 months.

Crows: 
First let me say, I usually have a hard time determining if Crows are a sign or not because there are so many of them around here. I know they are not *My* totem animal but I've had enough bizarre encounters with them to know they are with me a lot anyway. This week is one of those times of odd encounters. Their role in my dream - as my guide - confirms what I've been suspecting all week: Crows have something to teach me or remind me of. SO...


Totem Symbolism: They represent magic and creation. They are highly intelligent. They act as sentinels, watching over us. they teach us to be sentinels as well. It is also said that they can predict natural disasters (which we've had so many of lately). They remind us to look for the opportunities to create and manifest magic in our lives.
The most striking and pertinent definition came from Steven Farmers book "Animal Spirit Guides" he writes:
You are on the verge of manifesting something you've been working towards for a while. Be very watchful for any clear omens or signs that will guide you and teach you. Expect a big change very soon." 


On a personal note: The following pictures were taken inside the apartment I used to live in. I came home from high school to find two crows casually sitting on the curtain rod in my living room and my mom hiding in her bedroom.** I had to chase them out of the back door. I had no knowledge of animal medicine at the time but was spiritually observant enough to realize this was an unusual encounter, to say the least...

Now what do all these messages mean to me?


Even though my "dream" seems impossible (especially when I throw in a dose of low self-confidence), I can achieve it. However, I have to actively work towards it (giraffe had the same message). Most importantly I have to commit to it 100%. I believe I wasn't totally committed because I had some doubts that I was wasting my time by writing. Bee also makes me feel my mom is supporting me in this one. I worried about that because she will be part of the book I am writing, the good and the bad. But one thing I've really come to understand since her death is that she loved me the best she could. I've also found a new respect for her...she chased her dreams no matter how low the odds were. Though she never became the big Hollywood actress she wanted to be, I believe it was the dream itself that kept her going, allowing her to put aside her troubles and problems. It seems like after she let go of the dream her life and happiness declined. I think that when she began teaching about Hollywood and script writing her passion was reborn. I believe she was trying hard to get her life back on track, at least this was the closest she had been to happiness in a long time. My new understanding allows me to write about her more gently than I would've a year ago. And, Like her, I need to energize my dream, there-by energizing my life.


I need to trust and cultivate my intuition. I need to keep watching for the "signs" of guidance that have gotten me to where I am now. It can only get better. I need to master my creative forces and I need to work on my life force energy. I think that if I do, my asthma will be easier to manage too.


and this:

"You are on the verge of manifesting something you've been working towards for a while. Be very watchful for any clear omens or signs that will guide you and teach you. Expect a big change very soon." 

In my soul I know this is true. Given the bobcats timeline, I think it will be in the next 7 - 10 months. I've felt it coming for a while. I am actually pretty excited :)

** Interesting story: My mom was bird-phobic before the crows came. Just a couple weeks earlier, on Halloween (No Lie!! Halloween!) a bird had gotten in our apartment and kept flying at her and pecking her face. She lost her balance, fell, slamming her head on the glass coffee table so hard it broke, she managed to pull the phone to her and call an ambulance. I came home as she was being loaded into the ambulance, her face and hands bleeding from being pecked (she shielded her face with her hands). I had worn my Halloween costume to school that day (an alien, complete with glittery bouncy antennas). The paramedics, who were trying not to laugh about the whole situation with my mom, burst into uproarious laughter when I came running, antennas bouncing, down the road full of concern. They took her to the hospital, but I had to stay home to wait for animal control. I went up to our apartment and saw the carnage. The glass coffee table was pushed to the side (so the paramedics could attend to mom) there was glass everywhere, the phone was on the floor and off the hook (this was before cordless phones) and there was a big note on my bedroom door that said "DO NOT OPEN. BIRD". Now I am thinking this has got to be some big ass bird! I hide when animal control gets there to catch "the behemoth". When he yells "all clear" I come out and he is holding the smallest cutest little finch. I said "this little bird did all that damage?" He said "Yup" he explained that the bird was terrified and flew at my moms face because it was the highest point and it kept moving. He said she was probably shrieking (I am SURE she was) and that scared the bird into a frenzy. I asked if he had to kill it, because I felt really bad for this poor terrified bird and he said no, he would just release it outside. I asked if I could pet it. I never lost sight that my mom was lying on a hospital gurney all bloodied up, but I understood the birds panic and that it didn't wish to hurt my mom. Yes, life with my mom was never boring.

Giraffes...

I usually have to see an animal at least three times in a short span of time to deem it a "sign" or I have to have a significantly odd encounter. I saw two giraffes in one day. They were playing in my yard...LOL...just kidding :)  Seriously, though, I did see two, one on TV, the other in a magazine. That got my attention, so I waited to see if a third would appear. A couple days went by and there were no more giraffes. OK...sooo...not a sign.

Within minutes of deciding they weren't a sign I saw another one. OK, Spirit has a sense of humor. Since then I have been inundated by giraffes! They are everywhere. On TV, on signs, in a magazine. I was out doing errands the other day and the license plate in front of me at a stop light said "giraffe". OK...OK...it's a sign! I get it!

Well, I didn't get it, I actually forgot about it, until I looked at my facebook news feed this morning
and found this:

Ok, I surrender. I spent the morning researching "Giraffe Medicine".

Here's what I learned:
-They are incredibly strong. They can kill a lion in one kick if they have to.
-They have strong ties with their offspring
-Their long necks signify communication and expression. They can make noise but they primarily choose to communicate through body language.
-Their long legs symbolize balance and grounding (head in the clouds feet on the ground).
-Their height allows them to see great distances which ties to precognition.
-They teach us that seeing the possible/potential future is not merely enough, you must also move towards it.
-They teach you not to become complacent, keep reaching for your goals.
-Those stubbly little horns on their heads emphasize communication with the higher perceptions. Giraffes actually have three horns, one just looks like a bump on the forehead, but symbolic of the "third eye", intuition.
-They remind you to have faith and trust in your gut instincts.

So, what does that *say* to me?

Well:
1. I do have strong bonds with my boys. I needed to be reminded of this recently. They are getting older now, and sometimes I worry that they are slipping away from me. I had to be reminded that they will always be "my boys" no matter where they go in life. (It is still hard though)
2. I am not always good at expressing myself. Growing up I held a lot inside me, either because I was afraid to make waves, or because I felt my needs were trivial compared to others, and sometimes because I was afraid that my own feelings would overwhelm me. That is something I am actively working on. (Which is a huge relief to my husband because he dislikes having to attempt reading my mind)
3. I'll admit that I tend to have my "head in the clouds" exploring the intangibles. Which is fine as long as you keep your feet on the ground and don't ignore the stuff in front of you. I, however, get carried away. My husband does help remind me to stay grounded. (Our traits compliment each other, he tends to be "too grounded"...I help lighten him up...yep, he's the "yang" to my "yin".)
4. I do know what my potential future is but I forget that it won't get magically dropped into my lap. For my potential future to come true - and I definitely want it too - it will require hard work, dedication, persistence, and patience...and HA, Patience....(sorry for the pun, but it is true.) I become complacent easily, because for the most part, I love my life just they way it is (if we could eliminate the asthma, I'd love it a little more). However, I know my life could be richer, and more fulfilling....which I am going to need when the kids are grown and ...ugh...I hate even saying this...moved out.
5. I definitely need to learn how to trust my gut instincts more.
AND...
6. Reminders to have faith are always a blessing :)

That is the *message* giraffes have blessed me with.

Butterflies...

I'd like to talk about butterflies today. Butterflies have had a strong presence in my life. Not only are they a symbol of transformation, but the also carry a deeper, more personal meaning to me. 

First I want to talk about "Butterfly Medicine" or "Butterfly Totems". I've written before that some cultures believe each creature on this earth carries with it a quality of being that it can teach us humans. This is called "animal medicine". The butterfly is no different. This is what I know about butterflies:

Just as a butterflies life cycles so do we when we are in the process of self-transformation. When we are *called* to transform we enter a cocoon, or chrysalis phase. All major transformations are brought about by "going within", by learning to search your soul to see where the next step will bring you. Perhaps it will lead you to books that can help, or new people who can offer fresh perspectives. The important thing to realize is that if you are not in touch with your soul, you may miss these guideposts. These guidepost are tailor made for you, if you don't know who you are it would be like a blind person trying to find a street sign.

Butterflies awaken a sense of joy and lightness. Have you ever watched one, really watched? Have you ever taken in their colors, their delicate wings, and their graceful flight? 

They remind us that life turns in a cycle and it is constantly changing. I found a quote once that has served as an inspiration when things get exceptionally challenging::

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over she became a beautiful butterfly"

We are always changing, just because you've transformed once doesn't mean that it won't happen again. The nature of existence compels us to change and adapt all the time. 

Aside from the "medicinal" benefit of butterflies, there is another intriguing aspect to butterflies that has played a part in my life as well.

The ancient Greeks believed that butterflies were the souls of people who have died. Their word for butterfly was "psyche", which translated means "soul". I had learned about this mythology years ago. While I knew that wasn't true, I did (and do) believe that butterflies are spirits messengers. I had a whole conversation with my mom about it and then promptly forgot about it.

When my father-in-law died we were all devastated. We had known it was coming, he had been battling pancreatic cancer. However, no one can ever prepare for something like that. During the wake, I was starting to feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic. I needed to get some air, so I went outside. My mom followed me. We talked and I cried. I couldn't stop. I wanted to get back inside, I wanted to dry my tears and be strong for my husband, our kids, and his family. The tears would stop for a minute and then start back up again, my mom tried to help but the whole reality of his death had finally sunk in. A yellow butterfly flew near, I saw it but didn't think anything of it. It flew closer, then away, and then it flew even closer still. My tears stopped as I watched the butterfly. It circled me then flew in front of my face and hovered, I thought it was going to land on my nose! I heard my mom suck her breath in, she grabbed my arm. "Patience, it's a butterfly. Remember!? You told me they were messages from spirit." As soon as she said that, the butterfly flew away - it's mission accomplished.  

Since then I have seen yellow butterflies when I needed too, mostly when I am worried about something. I've seen pictures of them in the doctors office when I've been scheduled for tests I was worried about. The most amazing time was when my son, Tyler broke his finger. He had been goofing around with his brother and his finger got stepped on. His whole nail bed was pulled out and sitting atop the skin, and the finger was very obviously broken. He was in horrible pain. As I drove him to the emergency room (on New Years day) I prayed to God, the angels, our deceased loved ones - basically to "anyone" who would "listen". Tyler started to calm down some. He started joking around a little, so I knew that he was feeling a little better or was at least distracted from it. The emergency room was packed. I prayed some more. The nurse called us in. She explained that we wouldn't be seen for a while as there were people in worse shape than Ty, but she wanted us to be comfortable and away from all the people. She said the only room she could wrangle for us was an obstetrics room. I told her that was fine. Tyler hopped on to the exam table, and I sat in the chair, leaned my head back and looked up. The panel covering the fluorescent lights had yellow butterflies painted all over it. I told Tyler to look up, he knew how I felt about yellow butterflies but didn't remember why. I told him the story of his "pap-paps" wake and that I had prayed the whole way to the hospital. Tyler said "So pap-paps watching over me?" I said "Yep." He smiled and asked if we could blow up a rubber glove to play with. We sat in the ER for hours without him getting ANY medication for pain, but he got through it and even managed to laugh and joke around. 

After my mom passed away I had a similar experience with an orange butterfly. I was home alone and crying in my bedroom when an orange butterfly flew by my window, hovered , then flew away. Then it came back and did the same thing. It did this over and over until I went outside. The sun felt good on me and the orange butterfly flew by me again and then it landed on the ground just 1 - 2 feet away. I'd get closer and it would fly and land 1 foot away. Then it would fly in circles around me. I stayed outside "playing" with this butterfly for over 1/2 hour. I believe, 100% that my mom knew what kind of message would have the most meaning for me at the time. I continue to find butterflies, yellow and orange in surprising circumstances when I need them.

For me butterflies symbolize the transformations I have gone through, and continue to go through...right now I am just beginning to shed the chrysalis. 

I will also always see butterflies as spirits messengers. In fact, what actually inspired this post was something on my computer this morning. Yesterday I prayed for guidance in regards to my writing and this morning that's what I got. A friend sent me a post on facebook, it was a "positive thoughts" picture of a yellow butterfly on a flower, the caption read "Cultivating tolerance, patience". It told me I was going in the right direction, and not to stop.

Butterflies also remind me to get out in the sun and play a little!

I'll leave you with this Irish Blessing:

May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun,

and find your shoulder to light on.

To bring you luck, happiness and riches

today, tomorrow and beyond.

Those Beautiful Voices...

I've talked about my mother's death in other posts. I've written about mourning and about the complexities of our relationship. This post isn't about any of that. I want to share a story about something beautiful that happened after she passed.

In the 1970's I was living in North Hollywood, CA with my mom. She dreamed of becoming an actress. In the meantime she took acting classes (when she could) and to support us, she took a job as a stagehand at CBS. I've mentioned before that she was one of the first women to become a stagehand, and the "guys" put her through hell for a while, until she proved she could work just as hard as they could. There was no task she refused - whether it was building sets for "The Price is Right", holding cue cards for "Maude", or tying blown up balloons until her fingers bled for "The Gong Show". She met a lot of people, and she made a lot of friends in CA.

One of these friends was singer/songwriter Alan O'Day. He wrote and sang "Undercover Angel". Among many, many other things he also wrote "Rock and Roll Heaven" for the Righteous Brothers and "Angie Baby" for Helen Reddy. To the outside world he was famous. To my mom and I, he was just Alan. When visiting, he would play songs and sing for us. He was always funny and kind. He never treated me like an annoying little kid and he always, ALWAYS made me laugh. He could make up hilarious songs on the spot and fill the whole room with laughter. Needless to say, whenever my mom said "Let's go visit Alan" she got an enthusiastic "Yay!!" in return. In 1981, right before we moved to Connecticut, Alan gave me an amazing birthday gift, one that I treasure to this day...he wrote a special song just for me: "Have patience, Patience" It's message still applies to this day. It was about not rushing through life, learning to savour each day as it comes, and not getting wound up in the past or projecting worries into the future.

After we moved we still stayed in touch. Mom would send him letters and he would write back and usually include some clippings about what he's been up to.

I found this among my mother's belongings

This one too

                                                                                                                                                                            

When my mom died in June, my uncle called Alan. Alan was saddened by the news and offered to help. He also asked my uncle to pass along "a big hug for Patience". All of these messages were greatly appreciated...but the most profound message was yet to come.

A couple days after mom's funeral I left Connecticut and returned home to Maine with a couple boxes of things from her apartment: some photos, mementos, and some knick knacks that held personal memories. I had gathered all the things that Alan had sent her over the years, some letters, pictures, and a couple 45's (records) of some of his music. For days those boxes sat untouched. It was just too difficult, every time I went near them those boxes - with the idea of sorting through them - my heart would swell painfully and warm tears would fill my eyes. It took at least a week and a lot of determination to go back to them, to open the flaps, and feel the essence of my mother emanating from within the cardboard confines.

I came to the box containing mom's precious memories of our time in California. That had been when she was happiest. That was when she was full of life and energy. She had a passion for living and the promise of a shining future. She had been following her dreams. She has always been beautiful, but then she glowed with aspiration and hope.

My Mom, the California Years

When I came across Alan's things I remembered how nice he had always been to me and that even now, after my mom's death, he was still being so kind. I wanted to write to him but mom's address book was in the hands of my uncles. My relationship with my uncles was on shaky ground because of the things that had happened between my mother and I. They had already extended themselves far more than I expected. I decided to try to find contact info on my own. I turned to my trusty computer and "Googled" Alan.

One of the first things that came up was a You Tube video. Cool! I followed the link, it was a video for a song called "I Hear Voices". I smiled, I thought this was one of his funny songs, or maybe something along the lines of "Angie Baby" (If you've never heard Angie Baby, it on my blog's playlist). Immediately I clicked "play".

Instead of what I was expecting, I was blessed with the most beautiful message, delivered by a dear man that has always been a friend to me. That "big hug" he asked my uncle to give me? I felt it through this song and the strong front I had been trying to put on melted. I cried, a long hard cry, the kind where you think those tears will never stop and you are sobbing so hard your chest and shoulders hurt. When I stopped, well after the song ended, I felt a little better. I was empty, it was a respite from the incredible pain I had been feeling. It wasn't a cure but it was a much needed release.

Here is the video: (don't forget to pause the playlist if you haven't already!)



I found an e-mail address and wrote him a letter thanking him (for everything), but I don't think he ever got it. Fortunately, I recently found him on Facebook. It was so nice to talk to him again. I asked him if it would be OK to post the video and this story on my blog, he said yes! I also asked him what his inspiration for writing the song was. He said he will write me when he's got a little more time. I will add that to this blog when I get it.

Most of you know that I am a FIRM believer that things always happen for a reason. The CD this song was on (also titled "I Hear Voices") was released in 2008, a year before my mom died. However I didn't find it until the very moment that it would have to most profound impact on me. It was a blessing, just as Alan has been. I will always be grateful.